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The science behind getting the wrong gift
It is the season of high hopes, great expectations and, honestly, grave disappointment, L.A. Times columnist Robin Abcarian wrote two years ago. That’s because more often than we’d like to admit, we are giving or receiving gifts that are just not quite right. Abcarian goes on:
You probably won’t be surprised to learn that there is actually a body of research that addresses the widespread phenomenon of present resentment, which is called “miscalibrated gift choice” or “self-other mismatch.”
Turns out that a gift rift is not a trivial thing. (Just ask my ex.)
Giving gifts, not tasks
One common reason for this miscalibration is that givers and receivers come to a gift from different perspectives, former Times staffer Melissa Healy wrote in 2016. Givers tend to think about the surprise and joy a receiver might have upon opening a gift. Receivers tend to consider the long-term implications of owning the gift.
(I often think to myself: That’s not a gift, that’s a task.)
“Givers should choose gifts based on how valuable they will be to the recipient throughout his or her ownership of the gift, rather than how good a gift will seem when the recipient opens it,” wrote the authors of a study titled “why gifts are great to give but not get.”
Getting nothing in return
They say that the whole point of a gift is that it is given, and given freely. And while the gracious gift givers in your life may claim they do not notice or care if they aren’t getting gifts in return, I don’t buy it.
Reciprocity is implicit in most gift giving. Invite somebody over for dinner? The etiquette is to get a return invite in some way or another, or at least a bottle of wine.
This is what makes this season so stressful and difficult. We’re not just gift-shopping. We are proving to ourselves and our loved ones the value of the bonds we share, and engaging in a delicate dance to find something that fits the person, and fits our perceptions of their feelings toward us, too.
It’s not just gift giving. Researchers have shown that our entire social order is implicitly and explicitly built around reciprocity.
It’s better to give than to receive
Set aside the extreme commercialism of the holidays for one second and consider: A study from earlier this year found that gift giving improves the mood and well being of the giver, and can reduce feelings of loneliness.
That’s one reason I’d guess the practice of giving gifts transcends cultures.
Types of gifts can vary worldwide, but the meaning is often the same, Patricia Ward Biederman wrote in a 1990 L.A. Times story: to symbolize who people are and where they belong.
You didn’t ask, but here’s my advice:
- Drop elaborate surprises: Sure, we all dream of giving the perfect surprise gift. Give it up. There’s a reason society has, for generations, created an elaborate ruse to trick children into writing wish lists for Christmas. How else would we know what they want?
- Keep it simple: A card with a few heartfelt sentences can go a long way and takes seconds to write.
- Get on the same page: You can eliminate the possibility of mismatched gifts by establishing ground rules such as financial limits, categories, hand-made-only, or whatever.
Most important: Use the L.A. Times gift guide.
The week’s biggest stories
(Jim Cooke/Los Angeles Times; photos by Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times, Rich Pedroncelli/AP Photo)
Newsom vs. DeSantis
Michael Latt killing
Golden Bachelor finale
Higher education
More big stories
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The week’s great reads
A killer whale punts a sea lion almost 20 feet into the air, a common hunting tactic used by killer whales to slow down and exhaust its prey.
(Morgan Quimby Photography)
A killer whale punted a sea lion 20 feet in the air to show calf how it’s done. Based on the whales’ behavior, an expert said it appeared the orcas were training a new calf in the pod how to hunt with its mother, grandmother and aunt.
More great reads
How can we make this newsletter more useful? Send comments to essentialcalifornia@latimes.com.
For your weekend
An in-progress restoration of a Kenny Scharf-designed swing ride, which will be a part of the Luna Luna: Forgotten Fantasy exhibition.
(Courtesy Luna Luna LLC)
Going out
Staying in
L.A. Affairs
Get wrapped up in tantalizing stories about dating, relationships and marriage.
LA Affairs column by Sarah Herrington. Illustration by Malota / For The Times
(Malota / For The Times)
I wanted to date my mentor’s colleague. Was that a problem? I was thankful for romantic love, but mentorship and friendship were huge loves too. I found a mentor in L.A. Unfortunately our relationship changed.
Have a great weekend, from the Essential California team
Elvia Limón, multiplatform editor
Karim Doumar, head of newsletters
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