Recently, pop culture has begun to change the conversation around the roles that love and friendship play in our lives. Gen Z was the first generation to grow up with “prince-less” Disney princesses, such as Elsa and Merida, whose stories don’t end with true love’s kiss. The smash-hit ’90s sitcoms we all know and love, such as “Friends,” “Seinfeld” and “Sex and the City,” made stable, long-term friendships every bit as desirable as romance. In fact, 55 percent of Gen Z and millennials say friendship is more important than a romantic relationship. It seems that among younger Americans, the tide is turning on the traditional relationship hierarchy.
But pop culture is also just a reflection of us, so I decided to see whether I could observe preferences for friendship over love within my own network. I posed the question in an Instagram poll, asking my (mostly Gen Z) followers to pick which type of relationship — friendship or romantic — they wanted more. The majority of my 71 respondents (66 percent) chose friendship over love. Curiously, the results differed by gender: Seventy percent of those who claimed to value friendships over romance were women.
I wanted to try to parse out which factors might be pulling Gen Z women toward friendship and which ones might be pushing them away from romance, so I spoke with one of the female Gen Z respondents about why she values friendship over romantic relationships. She told me she has stopped dating. In addition to experiencing physical abuse at the hands of her last partner, she said, “My partners have all either used dating apps or texting to reach out to girls outside of our relationships in romantic ways.”
Her experience seems to be part of a larger recent trend of young women exiting the dating market. The British edition of Glamour magazine reported in July that young women who desire relationships with men are quitting dating “en masse.” Many Gen Zers and millennials who have decided to quit dating cite similar experiences with sexual harassment, misogyny and dishonesty on dating apps. According to a Pew Research Center survey of online daters released this year, “large majorities” of women say they are often or sometimes disappointed by the people they meet online. These factors lead to a disconnect between women’s aspirations for the men they date and what treatment they can expect to receive.
Relationship experts such as Esther Perel say we would do well to think more realistically about what we want in a romantic partner; too-high expectations can keep us consistently dissatisfied with our partners, if not single. Perel famously wrote, “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”
Gen Z women, particularly college-educated women, might very well have new and high expectations for their romantic partners. But when women aren’t able to reliably expect the bare minimum — safety, respect and security — from the men they meet online, they might become more wary of commitment and emotional intimacy with men than they otherwise would have been.
An inability to find quality romantic relationships could be one reason Gen Zers want more friendships, or commitment-free romantic “situationships” (relationships in the gray area between romance and friendship) instead. If done right, close friendships might fill an intimacy void, without any of the commitment and pressure of romantic relationships.
Olivia Van Renterghem, 22, put it this way: “I think the commitment of long-term relationships is not preferable for many. As close as we are with friends, they’re easy to keep at a distance and not reveal ourselves fully to them.”
Though Renterghem says her own romantic relationship is going well, it’s long-distance. So, in her daily life, she often finds herself longing for more of what she calls “full friendship,” where friends make each other part of their “inner circle” — a.k.a. talking deeply and seeing one another away from work or school.
She said she wished that others seeking friendship would put more effort and commitment into developing deep, close relationships: “All of my single friends tend to like parties, whereas my friends in relationships prefer to spend time with one another.” She said, “I’ve also found it difficult because I’ve found that if I’m not the one making plans, nobody makes plans unless it’s an invite to a larger social function. I’ve found it hard to find anyone who wants to hang out just to chat.”
A 2020 Oxford study showed that both men and women report higher levels of intimacy with their best friend than with their romantic partner. But I wonder if by investing disproportionately in friends over romantic partners, young people might be erroneously seeking to swap one distinct kind of intimacy for another. There’s a danger that this would put us right back where we started — only now, expecting “the village” from our friends instead of our romantic partners.
Rhaina Cohen, author of “The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center,” recently wrote in the Atlantic about close friendships that resemble marriage, only without the sex, romance or legal designation. She told me the goal of her work on friendship is not to create a new “relationship hierarchy” with friendship at the top. Rather, she wants to shed light on “gray areas” — expanded possibilities for relationships that blur the lines between friendship and family, or friendship and romance, which can help people feel more socially fulfilled.
Cohen told me that while many people feel “full and nourished” through friendship alone, we should be careful not to expect too much from any one kind of relationship, including friendships. She suggested “diversifying your portfolio” when it comes to finding sources of meaning in your life.
Finding love and friendship has never been easy. But in the midst of the United States’ loneliness epidemic, the relationships we do have might be put under extra strain. Diversifying your network is key — we all have different social needs that can’t be satisfied by one person or one type of relationship alone. Whatever the central relationship(s) are in your life, keep balanced and fair expectations, and be open to fostering a broader “village” of relationships.
I want to hear from you! Respond to this week’s question, and I might include your reply in the Tuesday edition of my newsletter, which is available only via email. (It’s free!) This week, I want to know: Which type of relationship, platonic or romantic, did you prioritize in your 20s, and why? Do you feel you made the right choice? Fill out our form to tell us.
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