But that is a shame, because I think that a second day of retreat activities would have solved all their problems. I got a look at the proposed agenda and it seemed very promising.
8 a.m.: Wake up. Gentle stretches. Enjoy hearty breakfast of bacon (no eggs, after the IVF controversy, just in case the bar moves any further).
9 a.m.: Brief opening prayer from Speaker Mike Johnson and his most cherished colleague, God.
10 a.m.: Prayer concludes.
10:15 a.m.: Agree on bagel order. If agreement can be reached on bagel order, break into panels. If not, buckle in for a long afternoon.
- Panel on Counting: Panelists will offer lessons learned from sheep, blessings and other countables and see how these can be applied to votes. Frustratingly, Congress is still a place where having a majority of the votes cast is a prerequisite for putting your ideas into practice and you cannot just announce that you have won if you fall short. Panel will brainstorm solutions to this problem.
- Panel on Outback Steakhouse: Panel studies the other place besides Congress whose motto has been “No rules, just right” (Yes, I have made this joke before. No, I won’t stop making it.), to see whether there are any lessons to be gleaned from it. Why couldn’t Outback Steakhouse pass a rule? What was its holdup? Blooming Onion?
- Panel on The Republican Majority Is Too Slim — Is Ozempic to Blame? The person assembling this panel didn’t understand the assignment but it might be fun anyway just to learn what they have to say.
- Panel on Fun Group Activities: It’s not true that House Republicans don’t enjoy doing things together! Holding repeated votes for speaker was a thrilling bonding experience. Can we build on this? Maybe hold repeated votes for some other subject?
- Panel on Minority Rule: Have we considered not being in the majority? Pros of this approach include that if we pass nothing, people will feel that we are striking an important blow against Big Government. Cons of this approach include that to lose the majority, one of us will have to go. Pros of this approach also include that it sounds like the title of a Tom Cruise movie.
- Panel on Grumpy Sitting: The State of the Union involved a good amount of grumpy sitting, but there is always room for improvement. A body language expert will highlight and critique examples and offer suggestions for next steps.
- Panel on Fun With Fringe Elements: Most of the time you spend in Congress, your behavior is being dictated by the fringe elements of your party. But at this panel, you’ll get to decorate a jacket! You will have to hear from Matt Gaetz anyway, though.
12 p.m.: Trust Exercise: A friend from the Senate will join us for this one. He will be told to sacrifice lots of political capital and make supreme efforts to come up with a plan on immigration or another hot-button issue, and then everyone else will gather at a word from Donald Trump to stab him in the front. To make this extra festive, we will supply togas!
12:30 p.m.: Cameo from George Santos.
12:35 p.m.: Opposite Escape Room. Unlike other escape rooms, the goal of this one is to prevent any more members from leaving. By design, every puzzle is impossible, and all those who try to walk through the doors will receive a (mild) shock and a disappointed lecture from either Mike Johnson or God, depending on who is available.
2:35 p.m.: Brainstorming. Given that the majority is too thin to afford losing any votes, every possible solution to the problem of vote counting will be on the table. Go to the bathroom in groups? Buddy system? Have Mike Johnson conduct all negotiations with a cat on his lap? Nothing is off the table.
3:30 p.m.: Sing-along! Unless a small minority doesn’t want to. We won’t do anything that a small minority of fringe members doesn’t want to do.
4:35 p.m.: Short Prayer from Mike Johnson
7:30? p.m.: Retreat concludes/Bagel Order Discussion continues until sunrise
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