(Nick Galifianakis/For The Washington Post)
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My relationship with my sister- and brother-in-law got off to a rocky start — with them literally begging my now-spouse not to marry me, because they couldn’t see themselves going on “family vacations” with me.
Fast-forward a decade, and my in-laws are hinting at wanting to take that family trip.
Although our relationship has improved over the years, I am unwilling to test the hard-earned ambivalence with an expensive, week-long tropical adventure. How do we politely decline knowing that we take less extravagant but similar trips with my family?
— Family
Family: Ugh, I’m sorry.
My first thought is that hints are nothing until they form into an invitation. Enjoy the (dis)grace period where you don’t have to respond to anything.
Next thought: Is this an “I” question or a “we”? You use both: The “I” is unwilling, but the “we” are responding. The only way to deal with this and keep your soul, sanity and marriage in top condition is to work it all out with your spouse first. Once you’ve decided together — without coercion — how you want to handle this, then you present it to the in-laws as a unified response. Whatever it is. When, again, they make you answer them by actually inviting you on a vacation. Good luck.
Readers’ thoughts:
· Take the risk! If you’ve come this far, don’t hold the beginning of the relationship against them by forever ruling out the one thing they were concerned about. But do pander to your own ambivalence by setting things up so that you have your own space to retreat to if you need it.
This, of course, is assuming that you weren’t the only ones putting in work on the relationship and that you feel as if they are also invested in having it work.
· I was an absolute glass bowl to my sister’s boyfriend, now-husband, when they started dating. I was a teenager and just finally getting to the point where my sister and I were having a good relationship when he snagged her, and I was jealous. Over the years, I’ve grown up and realized how stupid and mean I was. I can’t say I’ve ever apologized — though I think I should, as of today, reading this letter — but I do think my brother-in-law knew I was young and dumb and was able to handle me with kindness and grace, despite my poor attitude.
I don’t know how much time has passed since the letter-writer married, but I wonder whether one vacation might be worth a try?
Carolyn: Unfortunately, it is the parents-in-law asking. Although we would love our kids to all get to know each other, my husband and I expect this vacation his parents want to be disastrous.
— Family again
Family again: Then you and he make your decision not to go, and he conveys it to them — and owns it preemptively, lest they jump to blame you. “Disastrous” doesn’t help the cousins bond, unless they’re older and share richly dark senses of humor.
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