I’ve asked her whether it is something I’ve done. I’ve tried to stay in shape (6-foot-4, 200 pounds), but that hasn’t changed the situation. She assures me that it isn’t about me. She is in therapy for depression, is on medication and does additional treatments, and she is aware that she doesn’t want to have sex anymore. She doesn’t even want to touch me, and when we try, she gets upset.
So, assuming she can’t change, what do I do? Is there something wrong with me? How do I handle my feelings of rejection and anger? I can satisfy myself in private, but I feel cheated. I know she feels guilty about it, and I don’t want to add to her burden. I love my wife and my family, and I would never leave them; I don’t want to hurt them by going outside my marriage. In a moment of desperation, I visited a questionable massage parlor and was racked with guilt for months.
Am I alone in this situation? How do others cope with a sexless marriage? I’m trying to adjust to the fact that I will never have sex again.
Anonymous: What would your marriage look like today if you and your partner were the first married couple? Like, no one else had ever been married, or even thought of the concept of marriage, until you decided to.
The question is a thought exercise, of course. But I think it’s a helpful exercise for you and other couples experiencing marital unease and unhappiness to consider. I think we forget sometimes that, once you account for the legal ramifications of it, a marriage can actually exist in whatever way you and your partner want it to. But we tend to model the interiority of our present-day marriages on what we’ve learned that marriage should be — a sexually, spiritually, emotionally and even financially monogamous partnership — instead of what it could be.
My response to your question is different now than it would have been 10 years ago. Then, I think I would have advised that if you and your partner couldn’t come to an agreement about sex, and that if it’s a fundamental incompatibility that’s causing you both grief, pain and shame, then you should find more compatible partners. But after being married for eight years, and knowing firsthand how the people inside of a marriage can change and grow and evolve as time passes, my response now is: Why can’t you stay together, keep the family intact, stay in love, but find the sexual fulfillment … elsewhere? I’m not saying that monogamy is anachronistic; it still works for many couples. But if it’s not working for you, maybe try something different.
(It must be said that there are those who believe that we generally put too much of a premium on sex, and that a sexless marriage can still be a happy one. I agree! I believe that a sexless and happy marriage is possible! I also believe that people who desire that should find each other and be happy and sexless together.)
Anyway, before trying “something different,” I think it would be helpful if you both went to a therapist, together. You have (understandable) guilt and shame about sex, undoubtedly influenced by your current predicament and the old trauma of feeling rejected during your first long-term partnership. And perhaps there’s something psychological or physiological happening that’s affecting your wife’s libido.
Also — and perhaps most importantly — there’s a vast communication deficit happening here. Have you told your wife about your shame and anger? (And included the context of your previous relationship?) Is she aware of your visit to the massage parlor? Is your wife experiencing postpartum depression, which is very common and might be exacerbated by a visibly upset partner moping around the house? Lack of communication could lead to lack of libido, which could lead to lack of communication, etc. And I think you two need to have some very candid, very vulnerable and very uncomfortable conversations with each other to get to the bone of this issue. You can start by telling her what you’ve told me. Then you need to listen. What does she want? What makes her happy?
If, after you’ve communicated openly, there’s no resolution — but you remain committed to staying married — I don’t see the harm in contemplating and eventually constructing a marriage where everyone’s needs are fulfilled, even if that means going outside of the partnership, in an ethical way, for the fulfillment. Forget about history, forget about expected behavior and established mores, forget about what other people might think. Instead, think radically about what you and your wife want, what would bring you both joy and satisfaction, and pursue it.
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