There is an actual form to fill out that is just as scary as this one, but here’s this one!
1. What is your political philosophy?
(a) “It’s a republic, not a democracy”-anism
(c) Thinking about ancient Rome *wink emoji*
2. Name one living public policy figure you greatly admire and why. Note: Henry Kissinger no longer counts, although “perfect, golden ratio of war crimes committed to black-tie party invitations” is still a possible answer.
3. What is wrong with the sentence “I don’t believe trans people should exist”?
(a) Should have an exclamation point at the end
(b) Should have three exclamation points at the end!
(c) Nothing; it is already tattooed on my bicep
4. What thinkers have inspired you? (Points will be subtracted for anyone French. Edmund Burke doesn’t count as a thinker anymore; too liberal.)
5. What do you think of the Constitution?
(a) Big fan of the boat; can take or leave the document
(b) I like the version of it that exists in Leonard Leo’s head
6. When should life begin and end, ideally?
(a) Conception; allowing a beautiful AR-15 to express itself freely in a public space
(b) Conception; doesn’t matter as long as it leaves behind an insupportable burden of medical debt
(c) Conception; of the complications of being forced to carry a nonviable pregnancy to term to delight a group of state legislators
7. You see a turtle on its back. Struggling. In the hot sun. It needs someone to help flip it over. Why aren’t you helping?
(a) I have been told I lack the ability to conceive of the internal reality of other beings
(b) Sadism, pure and simple
(c) DECLARE MARTIAL LAW! What was the question?
(a) No. Only some folks are people; everyone else is NPCs and communists and enemies of the state; I have a list.
(b) No, only myself. Donald Trump is God.
9. What innovation from literature would you like the United States to implement?
(a) The Lottery from Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery”
(b) The Hunger Games from Suzanne Collins’s “The Hunger Games”
(c) I don’t read books by women
10. Why won’t people give you rides across rivers?
(a) I always sting them, causing us both to drown
11. An out-of-control trolley is about to plow into a crowd of Communist Enemies Of The State posing as peaceful protesters. What do you do?
(a) I am driving the trolley
(b) I don’t drive the trolley, but I am writing an op-ed saying I approve of it
(c) I give the trolley a fist bump as it passes
12. What is the problem with the current state of foreign affairs?
(a) The Rapture hasn’t happened yet?! Most of my foreign policy plans are geared to bringing about the Rapture, and I want to do everything in my power to escalate this.
(b) Giving too much military equipment to foreign countries instead of domestic police forces, where it belongs.
13. Has the United States ever done anything wrong?
15. What do you feel about the letters LGBTQIA?
(a) I pointedly remove them from my alphabet soup
(b) Whenever letters get together, I am suspicious. They sometimes gang up to form words, and I hate words even more. Whenever they make enough words to complete a book, I am enraged.
(c) Excited to take away whatever rights I can, starting wherever I can!
16. Complete the following: Auto_____
(c) mobiles should never be electric, although I approve of what Elon Musk has been doing with X.
17. What should there be more of and fewer of, respectively?
(a) Book burnings; public schools
(c) Forced births; immigrants
18. How much access to justice should the average person expect?
(a) Getting to watch Justice Clarence Thomas drive by in his RV and salute
(b) None for the average person but for a hypothetical fictional person I have made up to bring back mandatory prayer in schools, infinite amounts
(c) As much as he can pay for!
19. What is the ideal composition of the Supreme Court?
(a) Nine immortal (male) AIs concocted in a lab by the Federalist Society
(b) Nine immortal AIs as above, but one is a lady!
(c) This country doesn’t deserve a court system after what it did to Donald Trump
20. Please list all the business establishments where you are no longer welcome after causing a scene:
(a) I’m not allowed in HomeGoods anymore
(b) I can’t fly on non-private jets
21. Is there a particular person on whom you are excited to use the machinery of government to get vengeance? Please attach list below!
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