Let’s say you live with your partner, and after a long day, they ask if you can help do the laundry. You start the load, no prob—but then, they ask if you can fold because they claim to be “so bad” at it. You end up washing, drying, folding, and putting away everything while your partner relaxes on the couch. Then you start to wonder: Wait, didn’t this happen last time, too?
It’s totally normal to split chores and pick up the slack when your partner has had a rough week or isn’t feeling great. But if you notice that you’re always taking over everyday tasks that your partner claims to be awful at (even though they appear to be perfectly capable), it may be a sign of weaponized incompetence—a subtle behavior pattern that *def* shouldn’t be ignored in relationships.
“Weaponized incompetence is a term used to describe a situation in which one partner intentionally underperforms in shared responsibilities, such as household chores or parenting, often putting the burden on the other partner to compensate,” says clinical psychologist Holly Batchelder, PhD. Although your partner may very well lack skills or knowledge in some areas, weaponized incompetence can be a manipulative tactic, she explains. (Think: Your boyfriend can absolutely do the laundry, but low-key prefers that you do it…so he pretends like he doesn’t know how.)
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So, how do you know if this dynamic is at play in your relationship? What’s harmless and what’s not? Here’s how to recognize signs of weaponized incompetence in your relationship and what to do about it, according to licensed therapists.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence, Exactly?
It’s one thing if you’ve been doing more chores than your partner lately because they’re working overtime or dealing with other temporary, personal issues. However, if you have a hunch they’re trying to wiggle their way out of certain tasks—and it keeps happening over and over—it might not be a coincidence.
“Weaponized incompetence is a term that describes whenever someone in a relationship pretends they cannot perform a task they actually can do or could easily learn to do, in order to be passive aggressive or avoid responsibility,” says clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology Group, Charlynn Ruan, PhD. “For example, if a partner doesn’t like doing housework, they could do a terrible job at it or delay it so that the other person just does it themselves and stops asking them to do it,” she says.
Over time, weaponized incompetence can harm and hinder the growth of romantic relationships, says therapist and founder of Inner Atlas Therapy, Cassie Krajewski, LCSW. This dynamic can cause disrespect, emotional distress, and prevent couples from operating as a team.
Why Do People Do It?
Although no relationship is perfect, being with someone you love *should* mean that you both show up for each other, even on the days where you don’t feel like giving 100 percent. So, why does weaponized incompetence happen in relationships?
According to Batchelder, it could have to do with a sense of entitlement, lack of motivation, or power dynamics in a relationship. “It may also be a behavior learned from childhood or past relationships where escaping responsibilities was allowed or encouraged,” she says. Maybe your partner wasn’t great at doing the dishes or folding the laundry when they were younger, and their parents told them to just forget it instead of teaching them how to actually do it—so now, they try to avoid the task altogether.
That said, for some people, weaponized incompetence can be a sign of deeper relationship issues. “It could be passive aggressiveness if someone is mad at their partner or feels resentful about being asked to do something they don’t want to do,” says Ruan. Or worse, it might be a reflection of your partner not valuing what you do for the relationship, or not viewing your happiness as equal to your own.
For others, weaponized incompetence is a defense mechanism that protects their ego or self-image, Krajewski says. “Admitting competence might expose them to higher expectations or criticism,” she says. “It can be a form of power play, establishing a dynamic where one person appears weaker to elicit sympathy or support.” Finally, faking incompetence can also be a strategy to avoid conflict or difficult conversations, Krajewski says.
Signs of Weaponized Incompetence
1. Your partner constantly avoids specific tasks.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. If your partner is perfectly capable of doing the dishes but forever tries to get out of it, weaponized incompetence might be at play. “To identify weaponized incompetence, pay attention to consistent patterns of avoidance, particularly when the tasks are within the person’s capabilities,” says Batchelder. (Read: They know how to scrub a toilet but not how to wash a coffee mug.)
2. They’re overly dependent on you, or even act helpless.
Sure, you may be way better at cooking and meal prepping than your partner (kudos to you, babe). But if you’ve made them food every single day for the past year and they swear they don’t know how to cook and would starve without you, or they don’t offer to return the favor in some other way, like washing the dishes if you take the lead on food prep, it could be a red flag.
3. They conveniently forget to do everyday things.
Has your partner ever “forgotten” to take out the trash (100 times) or unload the dishwasher (even though it beeps loudly when it’s ready and you text them to remind them)? This may be another sign of weaponized incompetence, says Krajewski. “They conveniently forget or feign ignorance about important discussions, agreements, or commitments, leading to one-sided advantages,” she adds. If you’re constantly getting gas for the car, taking out the recycling, or cleaning the bathroom because they “forgot,” their forgetfulness may actually just be that they want you to do it instead.
4. They exaggerate how difficult tasks are…
It’s completely normal to dislike certain everyday chores. Maybe your partner is fine with vacuuming but hates laundry, so you assign tasks based on your preferences. However, if they constantly exaggerate how difficult some tasks are to justify avoiding them (think: “The laundry takes so long and the machine is too complicated for me…”) and you end up doing it every week, take note, says Batchelder. Additionally, your partner may also dismiss or undermine the importance of the tasks they avoid, she says, (“It’s no big deal, it’ll get done,”) which can help them put off tasks even longer.
5. …yet they seem to complete more difficult tasks just fine.
If weaponized incompetence is at play, you’ll probably notice that your partner is totally competent in certain situations, yet suddenly not at other tasks that aren’t objectively challenging. “If a partner is functioning at a higher level at work or on tasks that they deem valuable or important, but then underperforming on tasks that are the same or lower level of difficulty, they may be intentionally failing at things they don’t want to do—or that they don’t deem important,” Ruan explains. In cases like this, it’s less about their ability and more of a choice—the truth may be that they simply don’t want to do it.
6. They tend to make excuses.
Have you ever noticed that when it’s time to shop for groceries, your partner is suddenly super busy and can’t go? Or when Sunday cleaning rolls around, they make plans for pickleball? Procrastination is one thing, but if your partner constantly makes excuses to get out of shared tasks, this could be a sign of weaponized incompetence, says Krajewski.
7. If you bring it up, they get defensive (or don’t take accountability).
According to Krajewski, if your partner reacts “defensively or aggressively” when you bring up their behavior or lack of contribution, or refuses to take accountability, it might be a sign of weaponized incompetence. “It’s a refusal to take responsibility for mistakes or shortcomings, using incompetence as a shield against accountability,” she explains. Ultimately, if your partner doesn’t acknowledge when they’ve been inconsiderate or done harm (even if they didn’t mean to), they might not be valuing the relationship the same way you do.
Commonly-Used Phrases in Weaponized Incompetence
Krajewski says that if your partner repeatedly uses these phrases in regards to everyday tasks, they could be signs of weaponized incompetence:
- “I’ve never done that before, so I’m not sure I should do it.”
- “I’m not good at that. Remember last time when I made a huge mess?”
- “I’m so busy right now, I probably won’t do a good job. How about you do it?”
- “I’ve never been able to do this properly, but I think that you’re really good at it.”
- “Why don’t you do it? You’re so much better at it than me.”
How to Address Weaponized Incompetence With Your Partner
If you’ve realized that this dynamic is happening in your relationship, fortunately, the hard part is done. The next step? Actually communicating with your partner about it—which can be a lot easier said than done. Here’s how to address weaponized incompetence in your relationship.
1. Be calm and non-accusatory about it.
Like any important conversation, try to choose a neutral setting to speak with your partner (i.e., not in the heat of the moment when you’re about to explode). “It’s important to communicate openly with your partner without accusing them,” says Batchelder. “Use ‘I feel’ statements to express how their behavior affects you.” For instance, you might say something like, “When I’m the only one doing the dishes every day, I feel like I’m not being considered,” or “I feel hurt when I’m the only one repeatedly cleaning the living room.” Try to be as clear and concise as possible without blaming your partner. (They’ll appreciate it and the convo will be a lot more effective, trust!)
2. Give clear examples and reasoning.
When bringing up the topic with your partner, Krajewski recommends pointing out specific instances of weaponized incompetence and how they’ve affected your relationship. For example, “I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of the household labor lately, which is starting to make me feel a bit isolated in our relationship.” Then, give examples of when you’ve washed the sheets, taken out the trash, or cleaned the countertops to show your partner why you’ve been feeling upset. “Understanding the patterns helps in addressing them,” Krajewski says, and using specific examples can give your partner a clearer picture of what has gone wrong so that they can try to do better in the future.
3. Try to understand why it might be happening.
Sometimes, it can help to identify the potential reasons for weaponized incompetence before jumping to any conclusions about your partner’s character (or their love for you). “It might stem from insecurities, past experiences, or misunderstandings,” Krajewski says. Maybe your partner has been having a rough time at work this quarter, or maybe they genuinely didn’t realize they’d been skipping out on so many tasks. Either way, approach the conversation with empathy and openness.
4. Set expectations for the future.
In any relationship, it’s crucial to be on the same page about your mutual needs, so make sure you leave the conversation with a game plan. “Set clear expectations and boundaries around shared responsibilities,” Batchelder suggests. “Encourage accountability, and if necessary, seek couples therapy to facilitate healthier communication and behavioral changes.”
By setting clear guidelines for success and encouraging a fair distribution of tasks, you’ll both feel more supported and cared for in the long run. You might even use a chore chart, checklist, or other fun incentives (like a shopping spree or spicy night in) to make sure you both stay accountable.
Weaponized incompetence can be a tough thing to handle, but Ruan says it’s ultimately all about accountability. Try not to enable your partner’s behavior, she suggests, which can sometimes mean letting them experience natural consequences.
“If a partner leaves their clothes all over the house, don’t put away their clothes for them. If they can never ‘remember’ appointments, then don’t be their human calendar. Write it on a specific place (like a refrigerator calendar) and when they ask you, say, ‘Check the fridge,’” she says. You can also assign specific tasks that each person owns or find another system that works for your relationship, like alternating tasks on different days or weeks.
When trying to navigate weaponized incompetence, Krajewski recommends practicing self-care. “Maintain your individual interests, hobbies, and self-care routines to ensure your well-being,” she says.
And finally, know that weaponized incompetence doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. In fact, discussing the issue openly with your partner might make your relationship stronger. “This dynamic can strain a relationship, but with mutual respect and open communication, it’s possible to foster a more balanced and supportive partnership,” says Batchelder.
Freelance Writer
Tianna Soto is a writer, editor, and professional wellness speaker based in New York City. Previously, she was a contributing editor on the dating team at Elite Daily and an associate editor at Her Campus Media. When she’s not writing, you can find her traveling, singing, and speaking with college audiences about mental health. You can connect with her on Instagram and Twitter.
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