She Said, He Said: Suggesting therapy for partner

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband has been through several stressors in the last year and as a result has become irritable and mildly depressed. While our marriage is still relatively positive, he complains to me about something in the world almost every day. I was happy to support him in the beginning, but I’m feeling emotionally worn out. I believe he may be going through an identity or mid-life crisis. When I try to make suggestions about what might help him feel better, he won’t listen to me. How can I get him to see a therapist who might be able to get through to him?

Signed,

Married to Moody Man

Dear MMM,

Jeff and Lori: Telling someone they need to go to therapy can have unintended consequences. First, you may unintentionally be conveying blame or shame or contributing to your partner feeling broken or weak. Second, some individuals attend therapy just to appease their partner, but no real helpful work is undertaken. Instead, they are there to check a metaphorical box by sitting in the room for an hour. Rather than being fixated on one specific solution, it is much more helpful to initiate empathic, curious dialogue.

Lori: Even if you strongly believe your partner needs therapy, it is much more effective to engage in your own work to clarify your needs and expectations and to set clear boundaries. This may mean benefiting from therapy yourself to build self-awareness of your limitations and access support in communicating them to your partner. When you do approach your partner, begin with validating what you appreciate about him, conveying empathy for challenging circumstances he may be experiencing and affirming that you love him. Focus on communicating about the specific behaviors or patterns that are not healthy or acceptable for you and what self-care choices you will need to make if your partner continues to cross boundaries or is unable to meet your relationship needs. This is not an ultimatum. An ultimatum is you have to do x or I will do y: “You have to go to therapy or I will leave.” Rather, this conversation is an acknowledgement and clear communication of what you need for a healthy relationship and an invitation for your partner to share his needs and boundaries as well.

Reflect on what you see or experience that has created concern, and be willing to own that you have a story about why that is occurring and what your partner should do. Check in with him about what he sees, feels and thinks. Therapy can be mentioned as a possibility, but it is much more powerful for the individual who is struggling to identify their own pathway forwards for creating change, if they decide that change is important for them. Your partner may recognize that he has been depressed or anxious and may also know coping strategies such as getting more exercise, bringing less work home, meditating or connecting with a friend that will create the positive shift he needs. If you enter the conversation with a fixed belief, you may actually be negating your partner’s ability to access the support and changes that would be most helpful.

Jeff: There are several factors at play here. One is that men are much less likely to seek counseling than women (about 3:1) and men are less expressive about their emotional experiences. As a result, the occurrence of men talking about their feelings can often be very limited. When men do seek emotional support, it tends to be from their wives or girlfriends rather than a close male friend. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to confide in a friend or parent. This typically leaves the role of men’s emotional caretakers to their significant other. A second factor is that partnered relationships have become a catch all for people’s intimate needs—physically, emotionally, spiritually and energetically—and we, as humans, just aren’t capable of being someone else’s everything.

Put these two together, and you create a situation where there is little energy left for you to care for yourself, let alone your partner and something has to give. It makes perfect sense that you’re worn out, so the message needs to be less about his particular challenges and more about your inability to be present for him in all aspects of his life. Let him know that, while you want the very best for him, he may need to find other resources for his support. A friend, parent, colleague, coach or therapist could all be helpful suggestions for him to seek for parts of a collaborative team.

Lori and Jeff: If you communicate unmet needs or boundaries that are being crossed and your partner is unwilling to work on creating change, then you need to decide if the unmitigated behaviors or patterns are deal-breakers. We cannot change anyone else and ultimately have to take responsibility for making our own choices.

Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at Aspen Relationship Institute. Visit http://www.aspenrelationship.com/blog-1 for all previous She Said, He Said columns.