That’s why we issued the ruling we did in Trump v. United States. Sure, in the Federalist Papers, Alexander Hamilton argued that “in England, the king is a perpetual magistrate … unaccountable for his administration, and his person sacred,” whereas in a republic, “every magistrate ought to be personally responsible for his behavior in office.” But he didn’t know what he was talking about!
Actually, the president should be unaccountable for his administration, and his person sacred. So we fixed it: You’re welcome, America!
Indeed, we studied the original intent of the Founders long and hard, and found something that should not have surprised anyone: A lot of them spent most of their lives as loyal citizens of a king! George Washington even fought in his army!
Why is this missing from the history books? Why are the Constitution and Declaration of Independence so unaccountably down on the notion of a singular, unrestrained executive? Just because the Founders soured on their ruler later in life should not turn the rest of us against this pleasant, efficient system.
“Won’t this lead to overreach?” you might wonder. But we have anticipated this! We are not providing the new executive with absolute immunity for all acts, but rather official acts only. And it is very easy to distinguish between official and unofficial acts! Official acts are acts that you do as president-king of the United States.
“Isn’t that all acts you commit during your presidency?” you might wonder. Not at all! The president-king will be sure to respect the distinction and, when he wants to do crimes, say, “I’m taking off my president hat now and committing a crime as a random civilian!” Then, we’ll be able to prosecute them accordingly.
“Okay, but take, say, bribery. Obviously, bribes would not be offered to a random civilian; if they didn’t think you had power, they wouldn’t bother trying to bribe you. So isn’t it kind of impossible to take your president hat off there?” you might wonder. Well! Hmm. We are sure that will not happen! Just look again at how we ourselves are unaccountable and have done nothing bad!
The restored monarchy might be the greatest of the many gifts we’ve sought to give the American people this term. There are just so many wonderful upsides to having an unaccountable executive who is above the law: much greater clarity if aliens arrive demanding to be taken to a leader; much less confusion for the attorney general when deciding whether to pursue the president’s individual vendettas or enforce the law; more military parades; fewer pesky elections; all the things we’ve been doing with our rollback of reproductive rights, just on an even broader scale; the ability to relax and know that some people are rulers and some people are ruled.
And best yet, when you’re inevitably paying your little bribes because you want to drive on the road, imagine: just the one smiling face on all the coins.
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