JD Vance here. Jeez, when I saw how my remarks about “childless cat ladies” were being taken, I knew I needed to apologize. Words have power, and mine did. I cannot bear for one second longer for anyone to think that I might have anything against cats. I unreservedly apologize — to cats. That was the part of this statement that was the problem, and I have fixed things now.
There was no need for me to bring cats into this. Or dogs, for that matter. If I brought dogs in. I apologize to them both.
Cats are exquisite, majestic creatures. They are shapely and polite, and they have never tried to tell me my policy ideas are “weird,” “creepy” and “dehumanizing.” Cats say “meow.” The value of a lesser creature lies in how often it gives birth, and cats routinely give birth to litters between four and six kittens. That’s a lot of value — and a lot of votes, according to my other recently unearthed suggestion, which I see no reason to take back, that people should be assigned votes based on how many young they have! This apology is going great.
That’s it, right? There’s no one else to apologize to. Everyone who wants to have children can have them; the process is always easy and never heartbreaking; you never need to choose between your fertility and your life, certainly not in the legal landscape left in the wake of Dobbs; the only reason you might not have children is because you are perverse and hate society. And are probably a witch. There is also no scenario in which you would be pleased with your choice not to have children! Also stepchildren aren’t real. They’re a fairy tale invented by the Brothers Grimm to sell gingerbread houses.
Where was I? I know what is going on in everyone’s lives and hearts, and I am speaking with the right amount of compassion. I would never reduce people to their fertility. Women, sure, but never people.
My suggestion that cats would want to be associated with empty, worthless vessels no doubt made them bristle, and they were right to bristle. Cats are not just for these soon-to-be-voteless losers, so let me say right now: Cats, I apologize.
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