‘Love Is Blind’ Recap, Season 5, Episodes 8-9

The only cinematic experience more stressful than this season of Love is Blind that I’ve seen this year has been Oppenheimer. Never before in Love is Blind history has the countdown to the weddings been an ominous Doomsday clock. Netflix stole golden goblets from the gods and gave them to man. For this, we have been chained to these couples to watch them torture each other for eternity. I need Albert Einstein to appear and be our moral compass. I need that young upstart senator from Massachusetts to launch an inquiry into what is happening here. We asked if we could, but we should have stopped to ask if we should.

We should stop this, right? We should get everyone out and to a safe location, right? Because none of these people seem to be good for each other or ready for marriage or in a good space to do this. I want to wrap them all in those foil blankets for marathon runners and have them sit in the back of an ambulance like someone who survived til the end of a horror movie because this shit? IT’S SCARY. Let’s get into it.

It’s thirteen days til the wedding, and WE’RE STILL AT THE REUNION PARTY. Please. Free us. Uche is still presenting evidence to the partygoers, and this time, he’s trying to convince Milton that he’s the nice guy and, if he could, just show him a few dozen texts. Lydia is smart and tries to pull Milton away from Uche. In general, Milton’s need to just let Uche finish what he’s saying or insist that no one get emotional in this situation is really showing his age. Once you get to a certain point and go through enough of these messy friend-break-up love triangle situations, you just learn to tap out once you get the first whiff of bullshit. Uche goes to the rest of the cast and starts repeating this conspiracy theory that Lydia came on the show once she found out he was cast, and she’s tried to sabotage his relationship with Aaliyah. The women all speak in one voice and tell him, “Yeah, we never saw that happen,” but Uche calls out Miriam for being bitter and fake. Miriam stands up and tells him she could read him for the filth he is. Do it. Do it, Miriam. I don’t care where you do business, just clear this fool!

Okay, let’s just get this out of the way: Uche doesn’t really seem to respect women all that much. And it seems like once they don’t act the way he wants them to, he can’t handle it. It’s really unattractive, and I’m glad this party is the last we see of him.

Milton sits down with Uche and tells him, “Hey bro, this is three-dimensional calculus.” MILTON! WE GET IT! YOU’RE AN ENGINEER! You could just say, “We all have our perspective on the situation,” and not turn it into a math lesson. Milton takes Lydia aside and holds her face in his hands, and tells her that this shit doesn’t matter and she shouldn’t get so emotional, and this isn’t important. I dunno, dude; being called a stalker by your ex who cheated on you seems pretty important. Again, Milton needs to learn how to validate Lydia even when he would do something different in the situation. He also needs to learn the lesson that most men need to learn that emotions aren’t bad, and learning how to express them would actually solve most of your problems in your relationship.

But there’s another positively toxic situation that still has to be dealt with. Izzy decides to sit down with Chris to just really drive home the fact that Johnie is super sketchy. He believes that both he and Chris have “good hearts” and people take advantage of them, so he doesn’t want to see Chris taken advantage of by Johnie. Izzy, first of all, no one is trying to take advantage of you. You don’t have any advantages. No woman is trying to get at those Dixie plates. Secondly, Johnie? I couldn’t picture a more guileless woman. Somehow, both Stacy and Johnie are drawn to this conversation like moths to the drama-fueled flame. Stacy’s point of view is that Johnie was full of shit in the pods so it holds that she’d be full of shit in real life. Sure, Johnie told Izzy that he’d regret choosing Stacy and talked a little shit in the pod lounge about Stacy, but that feels like an ”All is fair in love and war” situation, and besides, last episode Stacy said she’d bake cookies with shit in them for Johnie. I’d say you two are even.

Izzy seems pretty keen on humiliating Johnie by reminding her that she asked him to be her boyfriend, and Stacy is more than happy to call Johnie sketchy. Johnie is frozen in terror, and all she can manage is, “wha —that’s not true?” Chris is losing interest in this conversation FAST and doesn’t want to engage. So Izzy and Stacy stumble home, and Izzy is fired up! This is just affirming to him that he made the right choice and Chris needs him to show him the light, and Stacy is just the woman for him.

Here’s another thing we need to acknowledge: Izzy really needs a win. It’s going to come up in a few different ways, but I think Izzy feels really insecure in his relationship with Stacy. He probably picked her thinking she was the fun, hot option, and when she let him know the financial obligations for the relationship and that her family are world travelers, that fucked him up in the head. So he took it out on Johnie, someone he saw as an easy target. Just look at how he calls Johnie “a pod chick” and Stacy his “fiancée.” For a while, Stacy was on board with the Johnie hate, mostly because I think Stacy is a slightly mean person who learned all the wrong relationship lessons from Carrie Bradshaw. (The woman says “the za-za-zou” and talks about “the angst when you think you’re going to lose them” as romantic features of a relationship.) But Stacy doesn’t let Izzy compare her to Johnie, and it takes away Izzy’s ability to think of him “winning” the prize of Stacy, and this conversation devolves.

Stacy asks why he’s not cooking dinner for her, and Izzy keeps going, “Okay, aside from not cooking dinner, what haven’t I done?” That’s a pretty big caveat on the question, my guy! These are also two very drunk people trying to get at a fundamental mismatch of expectations in their relationship. Izzy feels like nothing he does is good enough when he’s admitting he’s not meeting Stacy’s expectations, and Stacy feels like Izzy made her a bunch of promises that he’s not living up to. Izzy ends up crying, and you guys, you can just break up now.

The next day, Stacy is teaching pilates, and of course she is. Izzy heads over to the studio to figure out where Stacy is at. Stacy says they don’t have a lot of time, so if Izzy is going to do something, he needs to do it, and Izzy says he’s willing to work on fixing things. He also gives her a booklet of romantic coupons and a plunger. They still have men out here who make romantic coupons!! But it works on Stacy, and they’re recommitted.

It’s ten days til the weddings. Dun dun dun….

Izzy’s mom comes over to meet Stacy, and the only thing that we learn is that Stacy’s dogs are not well-trained and climb and jump over everyone. They’re huge. Please. Train these dogs. A much richer text is Milton taking Lydia to meet his family. Ooooh buddy. His mom, his dad, Big James, and his sister and her husband are all ready to throw cold water on their relationship. Milton’s mom immediately starts asking about Lydia’s career, where she grew up, and her full last name, presumably to order a background check. Milton just sits on the counter and pouts that he wants to eat lunch before they give his fiancée the full interrogation. Again, his 24-year-oldness is showing. His sister straight-up calls the whole situation phony, and this woman is a hater. I support her skepticism, but she’s gotta deliver it better.

Another stumbling block for me in these specific couples is I don’t really believe them when they talk about what they like in their partner. Lydia just says she’s never had someone hug her so tight and treat her like a queen. She says he’s not her first love, but he is a lot of other firsts. I would love it if she could mention something she likes about Milton that she didn’t see on a Rae Dunn mug in TJ Maxx. Same with Stacy and Izzy. There’s a lot of talk about how Izzy calms her down and how Stacy is willing to talk things through with him. Okay, that’s like entry-level. Do you share a value? A similar moral code? (Other than destroying plain brunettes he once dated?) Milton gets the closest because he can name both specific qualities about Lydia and how those qualities inspire change in him. Lydia says in her own fractured way that she worked on herself, and “this” is her reward. Oh. Oh no.

It’s time for the shopping trips! Vanessa and Of Course Nick Lachey earn their appearance fee for the episode by guiding everyone through the shopping experience and asking each person one detailed, open-ended question. Milton loves Lydia’s energy. Izzy loves that Stacy knows what she wants (from the Neiman Marcus website). Lydia thought she’d never find her person, and Stacy wants to find a dress that would come off easy for Izzy.

Suddenly, we’re transported into an episode of The Bachelor. Izzy has set up a private plane date for him and Stacy. He says because Stacy likes to fly in private jets, she’ll like this antique plane ride over the city. That’s not what she meant with fly private, bro, but nice try. They talk about bringing their families together and how Izzy always wanted to be welcomed into a family, and he can finally have that with Stacy. Also, a lot of his family won’t be at the wedding, and this feels like some recovering Jehovah’s Witness mess that I’m happy he will be avoiding on his wedding day. They practice their first dance together in the airplane hangar. Stacy gets the one-on-one date rose. Oh, sorry, force of habit.

Before their final date, Milton sits down with his sister, who reminds him of the family motto: “Marriage is like a business arrangement.” She asks if he’s thought about parenting styles, daycare, and elder parent care. Milton drops the note that he’s also interested in Lydia because of her education and career which is something I don’t think we’ve heard before from him. He says he will take all the data points, consider them, and ultimately, go with his gut. He also says he doesn’t believe in hyphenating names. Is this Milton’s heel turn?

Yes. Yes, it is. But before we can get there — WHAT IS GOING ON WITH IZZY’S CREDIT?? His credit is apparently so bad he can’t get a credit card, but only because he’s got less than $4,000 in debt. BUT he didn’t tell Stacy this and waited until the day before the wedding to bring it up because he wanted to be able to give the conversation a lot of time. Stacy says that she’s asked him about credit cards and why he doesn’t have them, and he’s always said, “Oh, I used to have them, but I just don’t anymore.” This is giving more credence to the Reddit theories that Izzy is unemployed and renting an Airbnb to pose as his apartment. I guess in the end, it’s not about the amount of money because everybody out here with student loans for way more money, but the fact that Izzy just wouldn’t talk about it and was going to get married without giving Stacy a full picture of his finances. It’s important! I hate to say it, but I’m with Stacy on this one! It’s untrustworthy to claim you were totally going to get to the conversation, but the timing was never right. They end up coming together, but this is alarming.

Lydia and Milton head out on their final date at a geology exhibit, and they have the fight they’ve been having this whole season, and if they get married, the fight they will have until they perish. As couples, we’re all only having one fight. The variables or the way in might be different, but it’s the same fight every time. Lydia and Milton’s fight is Milton thinks that the way he would respond to a difficult situation is the more reasonable, more measured way, and Lydia lets herself be controlled by her emotions. Some of their examples, like Lydia getting upset that Milton leaves the dishes in the sink, suggest that you must readjust your standard of cleanliness when you come together and avoid fighting about chores if they usually end up getting done. Others are more frustrating, like Milton insisting that he handled the situation with Uche perfectly and that his “less emotional” tactic would serve Lydia in the long run. He thinks he isn’t controlled by his emotions, and Lydia fires back, “Sorry you don’t have emotions,” because he’s always telling her, “Who cares?” There’s a way to express, “The way I see you get so upset makes me so sympathetic for what you’re going through, and it’s hard for me to see you being hurt. I wish I could do something for you in those moments” that isn’t “It’s minute. It’s not important. Don’t give the other person that privilege.” One is validating and the other is dismissive. Milton also says, “I don’t know,” when Lydia asks him if he thinks she likes having disagreements. “Oooh, you must like being upset since you’re upset so much.” Lydia, this is the fight you will have with this man once a quarter. You got this?

Next week! The Finale and the weddings! Predictions in the comments? I’m predicting a full 0/2 at the altar!

• Stacy’s little cute, silly voice haunts me. Her saying “I lurv you” in that nasal twang rings in my ears when I go to sleep at night.

• Would I watch a spin-off show of Milton’s mom guiding people through relationship drama with a SWOT analysis? Yes, I would. Give me six seasons.

• The Monday flowers that Izzy gives to Stacy every week are load-bearing for his self-worth.

• I loved Stacy’s mom reading her by saying, “She would have picked someone just because they looked good but she had to really have a conversation and dig deep for this! How novel!”