Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years. Each Sunday, we dive into the Dear Prudie archives and share a selection of classic letters with our readers. Join Slate Plus for even more advice columns.
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend, “Chris,” is obsessed with a famous pop star, “Sparkle.” We are both gay men in our late 30s, and Sparkle has been a household name and a gay icon since we were toddlers. Chris owns every piece of her merchandise, goes to every tour, has multiple Sparkle tattoos, does impressions and dresses up as her for fun, and has even managed to strike up a vague friendship through social media in his line of work. If you ask him how he’s doing, a typical response sounds something like, “Oh, work, Sparkle, lunch, Sparkle.” When he meets my friends for the first time, he’ll inevitably steer the conversation toward Sparkle within half an hour. Our own conversations always feature her, too, even if I’m trying to talk about my own work. You can’t say anything negative about Sparkle, and comparisons to her closest peer, “Glitter” (whom I actually prefer) set him off on a rant. I have told him I don’t want to talk about her. I’ve done this over text and in person. I’ve done it politely, snarkily, even angrily. Nothing works. I love pop music. I even like Sparkle! (A lot less than I used to, though.) But I don’t want to hear about her every day. I want to talk about art, film, the news, the thoughts and fears that bring two people closer. Sparkle is an obsession, not a passion that I can support, and I don’t know what to do. Do I really have to say “It’s me or her?”
You can say “It’s me or her,” in one more big conversation, if you think it’ll bring you a sense of closure. But I fear that the answer’s going to be—the answer, in fact, already is—“her.” Your boyfriend has never demonstrated any interest in scaling back the role Sparkle plays in his life, despite numerous requests on your end. I suspect it would only cause you unnecessary pain to offer an ultimatum when you already know his response. Appreciate the good times you had together, wish him well, and enjoy a life that doesn’t revolve around a celebrity. —Danny M. Lavery
From: “Help! My Boyfriend Is Desperately Obsessed With a Pop Star. It’s Me or Her.” (May 13, 2021)
Dear Prudence,
An elderly chain-smoking woman lives in the house next door. Her cigarette smoke comes directly into my study. One day I went over to ask if she could stand somewhere else in her huge yard while she smokes. She went ballistic. She repeatedly told me to go back to my country and said I don’t belong here (I am an expat in Malaysia). And she threatened to have her sumo wrestler–looking grandsons come over and mess me up if I say anything again.
Why am I the bad guy for wanting fresh air? I love my rental and don’t want to move (been here 10 months). But she refuses to discuss the issue.
You are not the bad guy, but you are the guy with a neighbor who gets to do whatever she wants, and I think you may be out of luck. I have friends who live on an acre of land in the middle of nowhere and that initially seemed a bit excessive to me, but I guess it really is the only way around the horrors of living near other humans who are entitled to use their space in annoying, inconsiderate ways.
The threat of violence that accompanied your neighbor’s comments doesn’t seem super serious to me—I don’t think her grandsons are actually going to hurt you. In fact, they may actually be the ones you need to negotiate with. I’m making a huge generalization here, but often (not always!) younger people are a little less grouchy and suspicious of perceived outsiders than their grandparents. If that feels true to you based on your interactions with the sumo wrestlers, maybe you could approach one of them—with a neighborly baked good, bottle of wine, or whatever is culturally appropriate in Malaysia in hand—and very nicely ask if he might speak to his grandma about moving her chain-smoking location. She’ll probably take it better coming from him than she would from you.
If that doesn’t work out, it’s time to start looking into moving when your lease is up. After all, you need to be able to breathe while you work. So, in the meantime, close and seal that window (but keep the blinds up so you can glare at her every day). —Jenée Desmond-Harris
From: “Help! My Neighbor Threatened Violence Over My Simple Request.” (June 9, 2021)
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend is a kind, caring, loving man, and I am mostly satisfied with our relationship. His main hobby is the online game StarCraft, and he spends maybe 10 to 15 hours a week on it, usually a game each evening. The problem is that if he loses a game, it can color his mood for days. There are usually like two to three days a month where he’s down in the dumps because of this. I don’t resent the time he spends on the game, nor do I think it’s wrong for him to enjoy it, but I don’t like how much it hurts him when it goes poorly, and I don’t really know how to help him. And I guess, deep down, I do not think it’s healthy to find a video game this important to self-esteem. How can I help him?
You don’t have to do anything to help him. Being down in the dumps a few days a month doesn’t sound that bad to me. Maybe this is a “we just lived through a pandemic” perspective, but it actually seems pretty normal to be grumpy one-tenth of the time. We all want our loved ones to be happy as often as possible (because we care about them, but also because it makes them much more fun to be around), but people—even people who are in relationships—are allowed to be in bad moods.
I can see why you have some concerns about his lack of emotional resilience, but I wouldn’t worry too much about that. It sounds like this is the only thing that really gets him down—he’s not sinking into a depression over getting cut off in traffic or forgetting to plug the crockpot in, right? You say he’s a great partner overall and he’s not lashing out or mistreating you when things go wrong with StarCraft. So when he gets moody, let that be your cue to go hang out with friends or do something you enjoy, and allow him to sulk over his game in peace. Maybe even take a moment to celebrate that he apparently doesn’t have many real problems. —J.D.
From: “Help! My Boyfriend Gets Really Depressed Whenever He Loses a Video Game.” (June 15, 2021)
Dear Prudence,
My husband’s parents have always been on the fringe end of conservative, but it’s never caused an issue with us, because we don’t live nearby and only see them once every two years or so. But in the past few years, they’ve become even more counterculture—they’re very into QAnon and other conspiracy theories, they’ve become openly racist, and they hate masks and vaccines. Recently, I found out that they’ve embraced Holocaust denial. I don’t know why this was the final straw, but I don’t want my children to have a relationship with these people anymore. My husband doesn’t know what to do, but he feels that cutting them off is too much. What should we do?
I have a pretty good idea why you found Holocaust denial to be a final straw. As final straws go, it’s a pretty big one! It’s denying the Holocaust. You don’t have to spend time analyzing why you find such a position abhorrent, because it’s an abhorrent claim to make. You certainly could have selected a different final straw sooner, but this is a perfectly sound one.
I doubt your husband is actually confused as to what to do, so much as reluctant to do what’s necessary. He wants to find a way to live with his parents at arm’s length but without having to challenge or repudiate their beliefs, because that would make his life easier. You do not have to agree with him! And you say your in-laws’ racism has “never caused an issue with us” because you rarely see them, but it sounds like what that means is that you’ve found it easy not to object because you could put it out of your mind every two years. This leads me to believe you two tend to gloss over moments that ought not to be glossed over. Both of you need to stop glossing. Stop making their espousal of racism and conspiracy theories and Holocaust-denial easy. Cause a scene. Draw a clear line in the sand. “We find your racism and Holocaust denial disgusting, and we’re ashamed we’ve taken so long to say so” is a perfectly appropriate thing to say to racist Holocaust deniers, no matter how related to your husband said racists are. —D.L.
From: “Help! My In-Laws Are Holocaust Deniers.” (March 4, 2021)
More Advice From Dear Prudence
My husband, “David,” is amazing 85 percent of the time. He also loves to prank me. When we started dating, the pranks were small, like hiding my keys or startling me. But over the years they’ve grown meaner and scarier.
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