I’ve been so heartbroken, and it’s been hurting so much. We recently reconnected, and she mentioned that she still won’t be able to fight for me and said some other stuff that was really frustrating. (She doesn’t see herself ending up with a Muslim man.) She says I make her feel seen, heard, valued and appreciated. She says I’m a blessing in her life and thanked me for all of my love. I love her every single second and made sure she was aware of it by actions and words.
I’m trying to figure out whether we should be friends or not. This entire thing really sucks so bad and so much.
Moving on is so tough, and I’m trying, but I opened my heart and gave her all of my love. I wish she would have picked me and picked love. What can I do to help build more compassion for her? What can I do for myself?
Heartbroken: I can sense how much you still love this woman and how much pain you are in. Even after months of being broken up, you refer to her as your “partner.” You clearly love her and want to remain in touch and have her be a part of your life. But at what cost?
There is a difference between pain and suffering. Pain is inevitable, and you are in the thick of it right now. Suffering, however, is when you refuse to accept what you can’t control. (In your case, that your relationship is over and that your ex is choosing not to be with you.) By remaining in contact with her, you are trapping yourself in suffering. By holding on, you’re actually holding yourself back.
It’s normal to romanticize a relationship — especially if ending it wasn’t your choice — but you need to be honest with yourself when thoughts of your ex creep in. The truth is: If it was mutually so great — or meant to be — you would still be together.
Your ex wasn’t perfect. (No one is.) Being honest about her faults can help you achieve emotional distance and provide a reality check for why it didn’t, and still wouldn’t, work out. I understand that this breakup may be particularly painful because of the restrictions placed by her family — rather than just ending things because of incompatibility or a betrayal. But I still wonder whether this is the whole story? Did she make you feel as secure as you tried to make her feel? I ask because, in your letter, you talk about yourself and your needs as an afterthought. Love is not being at the whim of another person, and it’s not caring for someone else at the expense of yourself. Love is not being a martyr.
You have compassion for your ex as she navigates family dynamics steeped in complex cultural values and expectations — and possibly abuse. You can empathize and want better for her, but it’s not your responsibility to save her. Your ex is navigating her own journey, separately from yours. Embracing this may not make your breakup less painful, but hopefully it can help you differentiate what is yours to manage from what is hers.
Although it’s possible to be friends with an ex, there needs to be time and space before this can happen. More importantly, you both need to be on the same page. It doesn’t sound as if you’re there yet. What are the expectations within your friendship? Would you be able to support her if she got in a new relationship? Even if you both can agree on how to be friends, I sense that you are not romantically over your ex and that you would get back with her given the chance.
By keeping in touch with her, you’re prolonging the part of the breakup when you learn to live without access to the person who made you feel good. Every time you reach out again, you make it worse for yourself. The only way to move forward is to take steps in a different direction. She has made it clear that she is not choosing you. This is painful, but you do have a choice in how to care for yourself now. Forward may be scary, new and uncertain, but it doesn’t have to be bad. Feel your feelings and acknowledge their totality, but don’t let them take over. It’s not about ignoring your feelings but rather redirecting them when they start to take over.
Start by investing in yourself, even in small ways, to rediscover who you are without your ex. This may mean returning to old hobbies, reconnecting with friends or learning a skill. Increase your endorphins — or the feel-good hormones in your brain — through movement. There isn’t a timeline for grieving the end of a relationship, but if you find that you are struggling with everyday functioning or constant sadness, it may be time to seek professional help.
Practice self-compassion and remember that you are worthy. You deserve to be chosen and to feel the security that you so generously gave to your ex. You so badly want this all to come from her, but I want you to know that by waiting for her, you may be missing out on creating a life that gives you the opportunity to meet someone else who will do these things.
You may not be able to make sense of your breakup right now, and that’s okay. Surrendering to uncertainty is scary, but usually on the other side are the very things that you may not be able to fathom right now — such as love, happiness and peace.
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