My partner is in his mid-20s, and I’m in my early-20s. We both work in tech and make decent salaries. We both live in a city we love and would love to stay in for the long-term. It’d most likely be an adoption or surrogacy because I’m nonbinary and I worry that I might get gender dysphoria around me personally having kids. My partner is okay with adoption.
I worry that I’ll say yes to having kids solely because I’m scared of losing my partner. How can I make this decision in good faith? What do I need to be thinking about?
— Confused About Having Kids
Dear Confused About Having Kids: You’re right that you shouldn’t make this decision, one way or another, out of fear. Either choice you make — to have kids or not — will come with its own loss and grief. Saying yes to something inevitably means saying no to something else.
As I wrote in a previous column, having children is not something you can compromise on, so it’s important to have honest and direct conversations with your partner. This may sound like: “I’m not sure if I want to have kids, and while that may change in the future, it’s not something I can guarantee.” Your partner gets to decide whether — and how long — they are willing to wait for you to decide.
Make time and space for yourselves to individually explore what is important to you, and how a partnership with one another fits into these life goals. This may require you to plan another intentional conversation in three months to touch base rather than constantly talking about it.
Your letter begs the question of why now. Are these conversations hypothetical for a future your partner wants, or is he pushing you to figure out next steps more immediately? Often when people consider their choices, they think about them in the present — i.e. I don’t want to do this right now. Instead, think about your life in the long-term. While you are not too young to have a kid, you are still young and have time to consider this decision. You are allowed to grow into a person who does — or ultimately doesn’t — want kids, and feeling bad about not knowing right now only muddles any clarity you may gain in giving this decision time.
It’s okay that you don’t know right now, and it’s okay to feel ambivalent. This does not necessarily mean anything except that you are taking this decision very seriously. Working with a professional may be helpful in exploring your decision paralysis and what you do want and feel.
When you take time to think for yourself, be curious about your ambivalence — and the different directions it sways you. The fact that you’ve never thought about this before your current partner could be telling. Is this because you didn’t feel ready? Because you didn’t want kids yet? Or is it something else? Even more, do you want to want to have kids because your partner does? Are you trying to will it into existence for yourself?
How did you make the decision about marriage a few years ago? When did you know what you wanted then? What did “in good faith” look like for you then? Even more, how do you make decisions in general? Do you struggle with them? Are you swayed by what is expected of you or what you feel like you are “supposed” to want or do?
In digging deeper, you should explore your concerns, assumptions and what you’ve been taught about parenthood — from your own family and from society. How does your gender identity impact these long-held narratives? What worries arise when you consider having kids? What about when you consider not having kids? How did it feel to you being your parents’ child? These are all questions that can help you understand what you feel about this issue.
Reflect on this by playing out different scenarios, imagining or journaling about what your life looks like as a parent or as someone who is child-free. How does this feel? What life do you and the child have? How does having this child contribute to your values and purpose in your life?
If you have the chance, spending more time with the kids in your life and talking to people who chose parenthood or who chose to be child-free could be helpful. Just be mindful of reaching out externally for too many perspectives, because your experience won’t be exactly the same as someone else’s.
Many people who are stuck when it comes to making a decision often assume that the “right” answer will be obvious. Unfortunately, that’s usually not so. With any major decision, remember that most of the time there isn’t a right answer, but there’s a direction that is more true for who you are and the life you want to live.
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