We have both thrown each other under the bus to our parents when upset with one another, but my sister claims I am “out for vengeance” and that’s one of the reasons she doesn’t want me at her wedding. I have always felt like I wasn’t really part of the family and have always been the “black sheep.” After coming out and moving/running away, this has only been exacerbated. I came out seven years ago and it feels like my family moved on without me in their life. Not being at my sister’s wedding just feels like I am not part of the family. Of course, I am going to respect her decision, especially since I can’t afford to fly to our home country right now because I am in graduate school. But it still hurts a lot.
— Queer Middle-Eastern Gal
Queer Middle Eastern Gal: Of course this hurts. You are allowed to be hurt, disappointed, and even angry. Have you considered if you’re sad to miss your sister’s wedding because you want to be there or because it’s devastating to not have the relationships you want with your family?
The thing about grieving in a situation like this is that it’s not exactly like losing someone who has passed away, because these relatives are still alive. Instead, you are mourning the loss of emotional relationships. It’s important to acknowledge this loss and understand that it may feel sharper during milestones. Try to identify what, specifically, about your relationship — or lack of — with your family is painful to you. It may help to even list what you’ll miss — the wedding, or being part of inside jokes, or a warm embrace from your mom. This will help you tune into your triggers and show you when you may need a little extra TLC.
I do want to challenge you to also consider your role in your family dynamics. Though you initiated this distance, and for a reason, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a role in how your family operates. You and your sister used each other as collateral damage when navigating your relationships with your parents. Most of the time, siblings “throw each other under the bus” as a power play to gain an advantage with parents or to avoid personal blame. You can recognize that your sister’s beliefs about you are harmful and you also need to learn to communicate more effectively or regulate your emotions better. Often, a need for distance from family indicates a deeper dysfunction.
Your decision to move away was an intentional step to remove yourself from unhealthy family dynamics. When someone prioritizes themself in a family where self-care may not be encouraged, other family members may use that as an excuse for all the family’s problems. Often, those family members are avoiding taking responsibility for their own behavior. This means that unless your family members have the self-awareness or emotional maturity to empathize with you or take accountability for their roles, nothing will change. Instead, it’s easier for them to rigidly believe that things were fine until you decided to come out, stand up for yourself, or leave.
It is important to remember why you moved out and aren’t in contact with your family the way you used to be. It can be easy to blame yourself — know that this is part of the “black sheep” or vilification narrative you have internalized. Instead, embrace that multiple things can be true at the same time: You moved away because it was the best thing for your well-being and you miss your family. You feel like you have to protect yourself from your family and you wish they would embrace who you are.
If you don’t want to accept the distance in these relationships, you may want to consider reconciliation. It’ll be important for you to really gain clarity on what you want and what you are willing to do to get there. Are you really ready to reconcile? It would require boundary setting, effective communication, and repair. A professional can be a great resource for supporting you with this. Think about what a relationship with your sister, or your family, right now realistically looks like. What are you willing — and not willing — to tolerate? Do you want to only be able to see them occasionally or have regular contact?
Being able to reconnect requires an ability to disrupt the established cycles of your relationship. Know that distance from your sister and other family members is not necessarily permanent. Take this time to confront what you may want to repair (or not). Nurture relationships that make you feel safe, worthy and loved. Focusing on your own healing can allow you to be free from needing your family’s acceptance to feel worthy or lovable. Good luck.
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