I’ve had the mind-set that you should already have what you would want in a potential romantic partner when it comes to career and education. I finally feel stable in that sense but now, with many friends married and having kids, I feel like I skipped a big part of exploring dating. I worry that I am passing the age where it is acceptable to have huge dating mishaps and not know what I’m doing. How do I start to explore this world without prior experience that my peers might have in this area and not be naive or out of touch with the realities of dating?
— Clueless About How To Kickstart My Romantic Life.
Clueless: As someone who has been a serial monogamist since the age of 14, I can tell you: You didn’t miss much. The dating scene before your late 20s is pretty trash. Don’t get me wrong, you learn a lot. But there’s no rule that you must learn those lessons the hard way, when you can learn from your friends’ experiences and pitfalls. Now that you are interested in pursuing a romantic partnership, you get to apply all the wisdom, self-trust and confidence you’ve gained from navigating the world as a single Black woman to picking a partner who adds value to your life.
The path you’ve chosen has a lot of upsides. And very few downsides, as I see it. Release the pressure you’re putting on yourself, along with the false notion that you’re somehow running out of time at just 28. Relationships come with and often leave behind baggage. It sounds refreshing to round the corner into your 30s with a clean slate. You did not waste time. You invested it wisely. You took advantage of the opportunity to get where you wanted to be in life without the distraction of dating. And you didn’t fall into the trap of coupling up for fear of simply being alone, which so many do. You know what it is to find fulfillment on your own. And I believe this will all serve you well in any romantic relationship. The better you know yourself, the better your discernment is in dating.
Finding a partner is a process and unlike building your career — which requires focus, precision and as much control over as many variables as possible — dating successfully is more enjoyable when you take the pressure off it.
Don’t worry so much about being new to the dating pool. Try to have fun with it. If dating apps sound dreadful to you, call up a friend and have them help you set up your profile — it instantly becomes 100 percent more fun. When you go out, take a good wing woman along who can help suss out potential meet-cute opportunities. Ask the people who know you best to set you up and rely on reference checks from mutual friends if you can. Don’t rule out meeting new prospects in group settings until you feel more comfortable being one-on-one with someone new. Start out with low-pressure, zero-expectation dates. And remember: The only goal is to just have fun.
Consider pre-scheduling a follow-up friend date to process these new experiences in a low-pressure environment. These friends will be the ones to tell you “hell no, you’re trippin’!” when you’re overlooking “the one” because of some superficial B.S.
If it helps ground you, start a list of your desires in an ideal mate (superficial B.S. allowed!). Revisit and revise the list as you go from date to date. Don’t view it as a rigid list of qualifying credentials but more as a self-reflection exercise to help identify what brings out the best in you. Looking at each date as a learning experience or, better yet, a social experiment can turn even the most disappointing dates into useful information-gathering missions.
Contrary to what the world tells women about how “finding the one” “completes” you, I will share the truth my mom told me when I started dating: When building a relationship, two halves don’t make a whole. You have to be whole on your own. Finding a partner is a bonus.
So, stop comparing yourself to other people’s trajectories. Have fun. Take your time. And most importantly, take the pressure off. Life is only still just beginning. And it sounds like you’re off to a great start.
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