I now don’t really have the group that I thought was going to be by my side when I decided to have a family with my significant other and other life milestones. My question is how do I move forward? How do you create a true lasting community, especially as someone who is done with college and has all of their friends from that era in different parts of the world? I don’t want to be the person who only has their partner, because I don’t think that’s any way to live.
Anonymous: Speaking from experience, adult friendship breakups are both harder and more common than anyone talks about and that feeling of loss is compounded if you’re also cut off from a shared community. While I’m sorry you’re experiencing loneliness, I hope you can start to see this season of solitude as an important beginning. If you think about your friendships as a garden, yours has just been weeded. All the dead plants and distracting brush have been cleared away. This is fertile ground to plant and nurture new seeds of friendships that you get to cultivate with intention. This is the time to ask yourself what are you planting next and why?
Just as we have all taken time to really think about what kind of job or partner we want, we should be just as mindful about identifying the kinds of friendships we want to invest in. Friendships should flow organically, but envisioning what you see for yourself and how you want to feel in friendship will help attract a match.
Start by asking yourself questions such as: What qualities do I value most in friendship? Whom do I feel most at ease around? Whom do I feel energized by and why? What attributes make me feel safe, seen, understood, appreciated and inspired? Take inventory of what the strongest bonds in your life are built on and where the voids are. It’s also important to become conscious of any negative relationship patterns or gaps you’re hoping to fill through friendship that may actually be areas to work on within yourself.
Not to dwell on the past, but this is a time for reflection. What were your former friendships really rooted in? Given your age, I imagine many of them were established during the years when proximity and convenience tend to play an outsize role in making connections. Maintaining friendships requires more intentionality as we get older because we have less disposable time. So get clear on what your friendship dealbreakers are.
In the meantime, become a better friend to yourself. Take yourself on dates, try new things on your own, travel solo. Write down a list of activities you enjoy or want to try and just go. Engage with a cause, a nonprofit, a school, and give what you can to those around you. By putting yourself in new environments that you’re drawn to, you increase the odds of meeting people with similar interests. Be the first to smile and say hello. Offer a specific compliment. Start a conversation. If it flows easily, say you’d love to keep in touch and offer to exchange numbers or email addresses. This all might sound intimidating but just try it — you’ll realize it isn’t as hard as it seems.
I’m so glad that at just 25 you recognize that your partner can’t be your everything (and vice versa). But that doesn’t mean you can’t invite your significant other to join you in building community. Go on double dates with their friends. Make a point to initiate conversation with new people when you’re out together. Making it a team activity will help you feel more supported as you push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Finally, have patience with the process knowing that fruitful friendships take time to nurture. You got this!
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