Stay or Go: I know nothing about navigating open relationships. Let’s start there. However, I do know a lot about honesty, commitment, and unfortunately, betrayal. I am so sorry that your partner betrayed your trust. With a big move together on the horizon, the timing of this revelation has brought you to a necessary crossroad.
Before I can advise you on next steps, I have some questions: When you say that they “crossed a boundary with someone else,” what boundary are we talking about exactly? And how do you know? Did your partner come clean or were they caught? Also, you say it isn’t the first time this has happened — are you openly discussing these encounters?
Shan Boodram, a relationship expert and the author of “The Game of Desire” says, “It sounds like what you have is a relationship structure built on contingent monogamy, where all parties have awareness and agreement about outside intimate connections. Contingent monogamy is when someone makes an agreement but also issues a warning that they’re likely to slip up. People make contingent agreements because they have awareness of their behavior but no action has been put forth to be competent in a different outcome. People like this may ask for credit for being honest, but for your sake push them to be accountable. Ask what agreements, boundaries and dealbreakers they can wholeheartedly commit to.”
Ultimately, no matter what they say, their repeat offenses present a bigger question: Do you believe they’re worth another chance?
As Maya Angelou (and my mother) says, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them — the first time.” Your partner has overstepped the monogamous-until-further-notice commitment you made to each other more than once. It’s safer to assume this pattern will repeat itself rather than banking on permanently changed behavior — especially since they have already voiced a desire to open up the relationship “some day.” The reality is, that day has arrived — just without your consent.
Now, you have some tough decisions to make.
I completely understand the anxiety swirling around the thought of starting over and the natural desire to preserve a relationship after investing 6 years. But, do you really want to begin a new chapter with someone who makes you feel “disrespected and unsafe”? Since kids are on the table for the near future, it is critical that you think long and hard about whether or not this is the foundation you want to build your family on. Trust is fundamental to any and every kind of relationship. With your trust broken, there are already deep cracks in this foundation and children will only complicate those issues.
The choice to open up your relationship was taken from you the first time your partner went behind your back to satisfy their temptation outside of your monogamous relationship. And there’s no guarantee this will stop just because it’s been exposed. Ultimately your actions will communicate to your partner what you will and won’t accept from them. If you stay, you should brace yourself for another encounter with infidelity.
If you leave, your life will open up to endless possibilities and, most importantly, you will earn back the dignity of determining for yourself what you will and won’t accept in this next chapter of your life. I say give yourself a fresh start. If the idea of sharing your partner with someone else doesn’t work for you, it’s best to walk away now, because clearly they can’t commit to not being tempted again and you can’t build a healthy relationship on one-sided terms.
I know this isn’t an easy decision, but try to make it with your future self and family in mind. Because you — and they — deserve better than this.
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