Older women choose to keep love and money separate second time around

There are about 22 million households in the United States with a net worth of $1 million or more; a third of them are headed by women, most of whom reach that milestone by age 58.

“We are the first generation of women to accumulate a significant amount of wealth in 401(k) plans,” says Lynn S. Evans, a client relationship manager at Fidant Wealth Partners. “Why would a woman want to give that up in the name of being married?”

That’s the question more and more women confront when considering cohabitating or even matrimony. Money is, of course, only one of many considerations. But for many, the answer is clear: Date, fall in love, even live together. But make it legal? No thank you.

Christen, a 65-year-old doctor, has always been financially independent. (The women spoke on the condition that they be identified only by their first names so they could speak candidly about their personal finances and relationships.) As a young medical resident, Christen and another female doctor marveled that they could marry for love, not financial stability. “We realized we were rare birds,” she said. “That was a real luxury at the time. Maybe I wouldn’t be rich, but I didn’t need a man for survival.”

She married, had two children, and later an amicable divorce where she and her ex didn’t take an emotional or financial beating. She has been in a committed relationship more than a decade. “As far as we’re concerned, we are married,” she says. “Having that piece of paper wouldn’t have any added value and would make it more complicated.”

She and her boyfriend — who also has children from his first marriage — expect to be together for the rest of their lives. They travel extensively and split shared expenses. “We’ve already built our lives,” she says. “Now, we’re living our lives.”

After many late-night discussions, they couldn’t see any reason to wed. Their taxes would go up. They wanted to keep their own homes (both paid off) and make their own investment decisions. They both have health insurance. “Then there’s the whole issue of inheritance, which is key,” she says. “I want my money to go to my kids, and he wants his money to go to his kids.” They are part of a growing movement among older couples: Living Together Apart, a.k.a. LATs.

Evans, 72, has been a financial adviser to older women for decades. Many are in relationships and need to know the pros and cons of marriage when it comes to their money. “A lot of women clients ask me about it,” she says. “They feel that society expects them to make it legitimate, to get married. They don’t know if they want to combine their financial resources, specifically their Social Security benefits.”

Retirement benefits, which could decrease or end when a widow or divorced spouse remarries, aren’t the only consideration. It could also mean the loss of alimony payments, pension benefits, health insurance coverage and other financial cushions. Remarriage could also mean sharing the financial needs of stepchildren (college tuitions can be tough on blended families), the issues of who will inherit what assets, and the financial obligations should the marriage end in divorce. “A lot of people driven by love forget about these things,” says Evans.

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There are legal options to address all these questions, but she’s not a huge fan of prenups because they can be undermined in the courts amid claims that they were signed under duress. But Evans — her first marriage, her husband’s second — has one: “Not because I don’t trust my husband,” she says. “Because I don’t trust his ex-wife.”

Nonetheless, some of her clients choose to marry for religious, moral or ethical reasons. “If that’s the case, then how to set up trusts to protect her assets? If that’s not the case, I would say that I don’t see any reason to be legally married.”

There’s a strong financial case to be made for young couples contemplating marriage: The legal and social protections, the emotional and economic value that come with building a home and career; the shared responsibility of raising children together. But for older couples, it’s a more nuanced debate: love, dollars and sense.

“That’s the conversation I’m having with my boyfriend,” says Gina, a 54-year-old who works for a local police department. “He wants to get married. And I’m saying, ‘Why? What if we just got engaged?’”

It’s a serious relationship — they’re even talking about moving in together, but Gina wants to keep her money separate, based on years of advice and personal experience. Her aunt was her financial idol: “Growing up, she always said, ‘Make sure you’re financially independent.’” All the money she saved as a young woman was spent during her first marriage and on her two kids. She basically started from scratch after her divorce.

She’s built up her savings again, often working double shifts. “I’ve struggled my whole life,” she says. “I’m finally now making money.” She’s a few years from retirement and one of the lucky Americans who will still receive a pension. She’s thinking about buying a condo on Cape Cod, or possibly in the Carolinas. Her boyfriend can weigh in but has no veto power.

“I can make these decisions because it’s my money,” she says. “I love that.”

And then there are women who are not particularly interested in romantic relationships again even if that would make their lives easier. Grace, 61, has two jobs: She works full time as a high school counselor and part time as a city council member. She also has a house payment for the next two decades: “I’m probably going to be paying a mortgage until I’m in my 80s.” A contentious divorce was expensive and left her struggling.

But there’s good news: Her three kids are grown; they received scholarships so tuition wasn’t a financial issue. She’s back on her feet, thanks to a very conservative approach to spending money. “I’m frugal,” she says. And she has a solid group of girlfriends who provide a solid social and emotional network.

The group includes women who are married, divorced and widowed. “They are very strong and independent. They tell me they would never marry again.” They are also affluent enough to travel and have lot of fun together. “We don’t think we need a man to enjoy life. They say, ‘At this age, most guys want a nurse and a purse.’”

“I’d be very hesitant to get married again,” Grace explains. “I’d only marry again if I was assured it won’t affect me negatively financially.”

She hasn’t ruled out dating entirely, but it would have to be a partnership that makes her feel secure emotionally and financially. “I’m not going to risk the richness and the stability of my life for a relationship.”

Of course, we’re talking about women who, through hard work and the ability to invest, have enough resources to make that choice and live independently without pinching pennies. Millions of older women, who were systemically paid lower wages and have little or no retirement savings, will live in poverty in their old age. The idea of marriage — sharing expenses and other financial and legal benefits — can be a godsend.

“If women are financially secure, they will be very cautious about ending up in a permanent relationship,” says Nancy, a 78-year-old widow. “Women who are not financially secure can be very anxious to find somebody.”

The former executive assistant ended up with a sizable estate — one of the many reasons she can’t imagine marrying again. She wed her “soul mate” at age 41 (he was 46) and the couple spent decades together building a business. But she was always careful about becoming financially vulnerable. “I was wife number four, which made me very wary.” At her insistence, they were engaged for a year. When she sold her home to pay the down payment on a new house they would share, she negotiated a contract that paid her back if the relationship failed.

“Once we got married, we never combined our finances,” she says. They had separate bank accounts, separate charge cards, separate savings and separate wills. One of her friends recently remarried: The bride was 81, the groom was 86. “They co-mingled everything, and now there are issues. I don’t think that’s smart for people who are older.”

Personally, Nancy says another husband is not in the cards, but she wouldn’t rule out a romance, best friend or companion: “You want a partner, not a project.”

And what about if you fall madly in love? Evans has some nonfinancial advice to those women who want the world to know they’re crazy about their lover.

“I have a friend who has been engaged to her boyfriend for 15 years.” she says. “And she has no intention of getting married.” It’s an elegant bit of subterfuge: “My fiancé” tells strangers the relationship is for keeps; close friends know it’s a white lie and don’t have to spring for a wedding present.

So maybe you can put a ring on it — and leave it at that.