We’ve been engaged for over two years, but the pandemic delayed our plans of getting married quickly. His mother recently relayed to me that she was disappointed that she hadn’t heard from me and that I don’t keep in touch with her. I was surprised by the conversation. I am not close to my own mother and, while I like my fiancé’s mother, I don’t necessarily need or want to be close friends. I have visited with her and spent time with her on occasion, but I don’t call her and she doesn’t call me.
When I mentioned this to my fiancé he said I shouldn’t have told him and that was between us. I told him he should have alerted me to any cultural/familial expectations that I wasn’t aware of. How should I navigate these potential land mines?
Bad Daughter-in-Law: It sounds like you’re on one side, calling out to your fiancé to understand where you are coming from, while he is on the other side expecting you to know how to handle his mom. The focus right now should be on building a bridge between you. Your future mother-in-law’s expectations may be aggravating, but you should be more worried that you and your fiancé are struggling to communicate about merging your lives, cultural values and families.
You’re right to want your fiancé to be more supportive. However, because you’re upset that he didn’t tell you something that was probably obvious to him, I wonder if you two have truly discussed your different family dynamics and cultures — including their norms, expectations and communication styles. This isn’t a one-and-done conversation. Navigating your familial and cultural differences is a lifelong journey.
It’s imperative that you and your fiancé discuss this fully with each other. After all, you are going to be approaching your partnership and his family from a lens you were raised with, and he from a lens he was raised with. Your fiancé’s belief that your relationship with his mom is separate from him may, in itself, be a cultural difference.
I would suggest spending some time together talking about the basics regarding your family and culture more generally, instead of just bringing up his mom. You may feel like his culture is the different one, but that means your culture is different from his, too. It also may be a sign that you have to consider your own assumptions and biases around what is “normal.”
You want to broach this topic from a place of love and with the intention to connect deeper. Through healthy communication, active listening and ongoing curiosity, you can defuse potential conflicts and get on the same page about how you want to move forward together. This will also help you feel less alone in navigating the specific issue of his mom’s expectations.
Some questions to explore together would be:
· What is your relationship with your parents and family members? How often do you talk to each other?
· How involved have your parents and relatives been in your day-to-day life? What role will your parents play in our relationship and marriage?
· What expectations do you think your parents will have of each of us when we’re married?
· What are some of your familial or cultural norms and values that are important to you to uphold in our relationship?
· How did gender shape your relationship with your family?
Some of these questions may be difficult and require many smaller conversations to cover. The first goal is to start building a shared understanding of each other. Only then can you navigate how you want to be in a relationship with each other’s families.
With that said, it could be useful to get a clear picture of your mother-in-law’s expectations. Is she hoping you’d call once every two weeks or is she expecting you to call her every day? Having clarity on what she wants can help you consider what you are willing to do and what you may specifically need from your fiancé. If he is uninterested in compromising or learning more about what you need, think about working with a premarital counselor to ensure that you are both on the same page about your relationship needs and goals.
While all relationships have their own complexities, intercultural ones often have added nuance. Each of you must be willing to communicate, compromise and have patience as you start to arrive at a shared understanding of how you want to be — together and with each other’s family.
Credit: Source link
